What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? ... You are too young to smoke.
What did the big tomatoe say to the little tomatoe? ... Ketchup!
What did the cannibal say, after he ate the clown? ... Boy, that tasted funny!
How do you make Holy Water? ... Boil the hell out of it.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? ... His lips are moving!
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? ... Professional courtesy!
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? ... From chasing parked ambulances!
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" ... The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Why do birds fly south for the winter? ... Because it is too far to walk!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? ... A carrot!
What do you give the man who has everything? ... Antibiotics!
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Why did the man cross the road? ... Because there were no women on his side.
What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? ... Bigfoot has been sighted!
What is the difference between government bonds and men? ... Government bonds mature.
What's a man's idea of helping with house work? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between man and E.T.? E.T... phoned home.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? ... They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach? ... Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' She replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.